


The Things You Can't Touch.

by Reddwarfer



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: F/F, Transgender Characters, Transitioning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-14
Updated: 2014-11-14
Packaged: 2018-02-25 08:53:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2615819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reddwarfer/pseuds/Reddwarfer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She hates being bitter, but can't seem to stop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things You Can't Touch.

**Author's Note:**

> For: Written for kyuuketsukirui and the Transfic minifest based on the prompt: missed opportunities/jealousy at a partner's early transition.

The thing is, Rodney muses, is that it should make things _easier_ , but it doesn't. She's angry all the time. Which, to be fair, isn't all that new; what's new is the cause.

"You need to settle on something. It'll make things better," Jennifer says. "I already had something picked out when I told my parents."

And she's right. Rodney knows it, but it doesn't make the answers come to her any faster. "I'm thinking about it. You nagging me isn't getting me there any faster."

Jennifer knew the right name like she knew her body, like she knew herself. She also had parents who didn't look at her in disgust or say things like 'stop acting like a little fag and be a real man'.

Rodney's not bitter except for all the ways she is. She didn't have the luxury of accepting parents—accepting parents who have the money and inclination to help—and the anonymity amongst her peers. Everyone sees Jennifer as she is, beautiful and female. Rodney's transition is painfully under the microscope.

"You could just use your--"Jennifer begins, but Rodney cuts her off by storming out of the infirmary. As much as she hates being called Rodney, she hates Meredith even more. Her sister's called her this for years, despite painfully worded admissions and outright begging. Meredith is the cruelest of jokes. It's a reminder of every painful moment of her childhood. Of people teasing her for her name as she desperately hated what she wasn't.

She wants something new, something completely hers. She just doesn't know what it is yet.

 

"Hey, there," John says, joining her on the balcony. "Bad day?"

An understatement if there ever was one. "Of course, what day isn't."

She doesn't talk as much as she used to. Mostly, because she thinks if she opens her mouth, everything she's thinking and feeling will come tumbling out in the most horribly awkward way and she'll end up crying, again, because this is harder than anything she's ever done.

"She makes me feel as if I'm doing this wrong," Rodney says after a while. She hates feeling as if she's failing and it's making her bitter. They fight more, now, and she hates it because she loves Jennifer so much, but everyone has a breaking point.

"I thought," she says a bit desperately, "she'd understand. Of all people, she'd get it."

John nods. "Because she's a doctor..."

She freezes. She may be able to keep job related things under wraps, but this is _John_ , her best friend, and sometimes she forgets that some things aren't her stories to tell. "Yeah, she's a doctor," Rodney agrees.

If John reads between the lines, he doesn't say anything. Rodney doesn't know why she thought doing this here, on Atlantis, would be easier than on Earth, because she's sure it isn't. Not that it would have been easy anywhere. But here, everyone knows, and everyone talks. Ronon gives her strange looks and Teyla doesn't really understand, but she accepts. John's the only one aside from Jennifer that she's willing to talk to, because John's the only one who never asks any stupid questions.

"It'll be all right, honey," John says and Rodney shoots him a glare. Sadly, it's the nicest name she's been called all week. John doesn't call her buddy anymore. Not Meredith or Rodney. It's either McKay or a weird term of endearment. Rodney lets it go because John's trying. And no one else is.

They stand out there until she's feeling more or less human again and part with a promise of racing their cars the next evening.

 

"I'm sorry," Jennifer says as soon as she enters their quarters. "You told me why you don't like your first name and I should respect that."

Rodney smiles because sometimes it's nice to feel acknowledged without forcing someone to do it. "Thanks. And...thanks."

Jennifer flits around the room nervously until Rodney's seriously considering leaving again, but she sits down on the bed and tugs Rodney down to sit next to her. "How can I help? What can I do?"

It's the first time Jennifer really asks and it makes her happy. She smiles even brighter now. Just like the day Jennifer told her a story about herself and Rodney felt brave enough to say _me too_.


End file.
